I waking up feeling disquieted. Another night spent in perpetual dreaming. The past couple of weeks of sleep have left me exhausted. Normally, I am an infrequent and forgetful dreamer. I wake up wondering where the time went. I hardly ever remember whether I dreamed at all. The last couple of weeks have thrown me off kilter. When I fall asleep…I fall into dreamland al la Alice in Wonderland. Everything is confusing and exhausting. I encounter people who I hardly remember in waking life. I get into nonsensical situation after nonsensical situation. I dream about school…always a sign of stress. I wake up feeling tired every morning, as if I had just had a long adventure filled with trials and tribulations.

I can guess at the source of all of this. After almost two years in a catatonic state, my brain is beginning to rev up. I’m putting more and more tasks before it and it’s not used to such a flurry of activity after the hibernation. My brain is taking my sleep time to put together all the pieces—to connect the dots of my waking life.

I’ve always been someone of many desires…all vying for space, time, and attention. One of the upsides of my emotional struggle in the past two years is that, my desires were honed into a very single and focused idea. How to pull through and move forward. Everything I did, ultimately, led me down this path. And now that I think I’m at the end of the tunnel, I’m terrified to step back into the light, where all my desires, like nebulous ghosts, wait impatiently to swoop in and take claim of me.

Sleep is the canary in the mine. My brain is a great source of distress for my emotional life. I am reminded, going forward, that I will need to bridle my desires so they do not to disturb the inner peace that I’ve scrapped together in the past two years.


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